GENERATION GAP

Riding the Tsunami

The topic of conversation on this weeks Friday night dinner table, was one that my grandma considered an important family lesson in taking precautions in case of an emergency but what my cousins and I considered a way to fuck with her instigate her to get her seriously annoyed. She started off with asking us what we would do if we heard a tsunami was going to hit Coney Island Beach (which is about a mile from where we live). One of my cousins immediately said, “I’d get my surf board as fast as I could and ride that wave.” Everyone laughed but my grandma… she hit the table, the glasses shook, and yelled NO!! NO NO NO! In a worried voice she began to explain- We’d have about 30 minutes to get ourself as far as we could inland -she hand gestured in the direction- Leave everything behind I’d like to see her do that Every man for themselves! My brother says,”well in that case, I’d jump on my skate board and I’ll see you all later.” She rolled her eyes, to much talk about extreme sports she doesn’t even know about. She continued,”Battery Park is the best place to be because it’s inland and elevated…. so everyone get to Battery Park!” With all this talk about tsunamis I had a funny thought, My grandma is kinda like a tsunami- she just she hits as tidal wave of menopausal hormones and beware she can do damage, it’s a wave I ride everyday. So with that said, I hope that everyones emergency tsunami plans are in tact and if they’re not- take granny’s advice and JUST GET TO BATTERY PARK!- I’ll see you there. 

(Source: tsunami)

Kosher your Kitchens!!!

It’s almost Passover and you know what that means, stay out of her way when she’s doing the once a year tradition of koshering the kitchen or otherwise known as a crazy spring cleaning rage. I roll over @ 8 AM Sunday morning to hear the water running and the sound of silver clinking. When I come down stairs 3 hours later - I find granny in her sneakers and sweats wearing an apron over it sweating over the stove dipping her cutlery into a pot of boiling water- She’s such and extremist its like she’s stuck in the Middle Ages! But there’s something modern and bizarre about her situation; she has a little elf named Carlos standing next to her, polishing and washing each fork and spoon before she dips it. Carlos a short Mexican man is her “house boy”, he lives in the basement and he cooks, he cleans, he builds, he polishes silver; he could basically do anything you want him to do, and I know my grandma likes that he doesn’t talk back like most female housekeepers do. Ironically, his ring tone is “riding dirty” he cleans- Get it? Anyways, Jewish law says that you have to clean your house well and my mom and most other modern Jews use, dishwashers, and vacuums but my grandma uses boiling water and an elf named Carlos and prides on the fact that her house is THE CLEANEST. I think it’s her favorite part of the year because it gives her an excuse to do all her favorite OCD cleaning rituals. Not to mention she starts it a week and a half before the holiday which means no bringing ANY non kosher for Passover food into the house or for that matter, NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE. While most Jews will retain from leavened bread for 8 days, I will for 18 days. Stay tuned to hear about our anything but ordinary Saders, which will take place on Monday, and Tuesday night with my entire family including my 11 younger Cousin, which do not go well with her light blue silk dining room chairs.

(Source: spingcleaning)

Hachu!!! o wait! here’s my hanky

My grandma gave me the weirdest most useful and thoughtful gift this morning. What 20 year old hasn’t been dreaming to have a monogrammed handkerchief to match this springs neon detail trend. When she gave it to me I looked at it, thought this is weird, said thanks, and just put it on my desk which meant it would soon be lost in the clutter, but when she saw me disregard it- her blood began to boil. Then she walked out of my room and thats where i though our communication for the day had ended so I was surprised to see her in my doorway again when I turned around. Now if you thought one handkerchief was enough for my wardrobe you must be mistaken because here she was holding another one!!! So now that i had 2 monogrammed hankies in my possession I decided it was only appropriate to politely ask, “so…. what are my supposed to do with this?” [blow my nose?!?!] She looked at me crooked, and raised her voice, “don’t you see what I do with it?!” guess I never noticed?  I didn’t want to make a fight out of this so again I tried to blow it off (no pun intended). And here goes the monologue: you’re a fine girl, from a fine family so I blow my nose on a fine peice of linen? and you need to start acting like one! It went on for a little bit so I nodded and calmly explained that handkerchiefs are for old people! “You’re 60 and I’m 20- it’s only normal for our choice of accessory be different.” I think she understood where I was coming from but she wasn’t stepping down that easily. “BUT ITS PRATESI!!!” she yelled. wtf is pretesi?!?! “DONT YOU SEE THE HAND WORK ON IT?!” Bottom line- I now have a $50 reusable tissue with my initial on it- so incase god forbid my nose starts to drip all you ordinary people will just reach for a kleenex but NOT ME! I’ll use my HANKY!

(Source: handkerchief)

PURIM!

For those of you who don’t know Purim is here! It’s basically a Jewish version of Halloween… And since they say the freaks come out on Halloween; I say Purim breaks the freak out of my Grandma! Each year her custom made costume gets better and better so keep posted for tomorrows Purim festivities!